Just a Mom

 

Basically, since forever, my biggest dream in life has been to be a mom. I know, I know, a lot of girls say that, but looking back I can't believe how much of my life as a little girl revolved around it. My Bitty Baby went with me EVERYWHERE. Then, when I turned 7 and finally got a Samantha doll, she and my Bitty Baby went with me, EVERYWHERE. I'd pack up my little blue diaper bag anytime we left the house. I think I would even buckle my dolls in the car. I would tuck them in their beds every night. I remember even being anxious if my family was out late and I wasn't going to have time to put my dolls in their pajamas and get them ready for bed! I think my sisters probably thought I was crazy... I was probably a little too obsessed with playing mommy with my dolls, but it just felt so real and right. It's all I wanted and I couldn't wait to be old enough to have a baby of my own.

But looking back at my childhood and dreams of being a mommy, always brings me back to kindergarten and an art project that I remember like it was yesterday... Our assignment was to color a picture of ourselves that portrayed what we wanted to be when we grew up. Once we finished we had to take our pictures up to our teacher one at a time. I remember standing in line with my picture hearing all the kids say that they wanted to be a doctor or an astronaut. Then the girl standing in front of me said she wanted to be a cat... Even at 5 years old I knew that was not going to happen and I thought she was crazy. After the teacher smiled at her and took her paper she looked at me. I remember handing her my picture. It was literally a picture of my mom. Dark hair, dark eyes. The teacher asked what I wanted to be. I looked at her and said, "A mom". The next part really just gets me, and thinking back I cannot believe this was her response. She took my paper looked at me with an inquisitive look and said, "Really?..." and then proceeded to the next kid. I remember feeling confused. What was wrong with just wanting to be a mom? I remember thinking, should I take my picture back and draw something else? I didn't, but I was confused. How could she take the cat picture and smile, but take my picture and question it? It made my 5 year old self question my dream. To me, being a mom someday was everything, but I guess to her it was "just being a mom". In her mind I was suppose to strive for more. But really, what is more fulfilling than motherhood?

I've worked. I still work a little. And I love it, but there's nothing more fulfilling than waking up to my baby boy, smiling, and reaching for me to pick him up and give him a kiss. Or hearing him giggle because I did something stupid and he thought it was funny. Or watching him discover his fingers, his toes. Seeing him sit for the first time. Or letting him fall asleep in my arms after a long day of nursing, napping, and discovering all the new things this world has to offer. This. This is what "just" being a mom is all about. And this. This is my new reality. It's beautiful, it's amazing, it's "just" what I wanted it to be, and more.