The time has come. My little boy is officially going to
be completely independent of me. He no longer needs my body to support him. Our
nursing days are coming to an end. He’s growing up. His little wings are
beginning to take flight. He’s becoming his own little person. And I’m scared.
I did not think breaking this tie between us would be so
difficult. When he was born I was just hoping I would be able to nurse him. I
had heard of so many women who had difficulties or struggled with breastfeeding
that I didn’t want to fully get my hopes up. But just minutes after Luca was
born, he immediately tried to nurse. How do babies know to do that? It just
blew my mind. And he nursed perfectly from the beginning.
Of course this made me very happy, but to be honest, I
wasn’t super excited about breastfeeding him. However, I knew if I was able, I
was definitely going to nurse him exclusively for at least awhile. I wanted to
give my baby the best that I could. And he thrived. Oh, did he thrive! Those
chubby little rolls! There was no denying my little boy loved mommy’s milk. Every two hours, on the dot for those
first couple months, and nursing him soon became a huge part of my life. It
consumed me. Every decision I made throughout my day was impacted by the next
time he needed to be fed. Was it annoying sometimes? Yes. Did I care?
Absolutely not. What mother doesn’t want multiple reasons throughout the day to
cuddle with their baby? To satisfy them the way no other person can? It is such
a beautiful thing and I soon grew to love it more than I ever thought I would.
A year. That’s how long I would nurse him. It seemed
normal, average. But the longer I nursed him, the more I didn’t want to stop.
Every day I noticed my son growing more and more independent. Needing me less and
less. But those quiet, peaceful moments when he first woke up in the morning
and right before I tucked him into bed. When he cuddled with me the exact same
way as he did when he was a newborn. In those moments I still had my baby. And
it’s hard knowing those moments are no longer going to be a part of my day.
So here we are, a month after
his first birthday. Every part of me wants to keep it going. My original plan
of a year soon turned to a year and a half in my head. Just something inside me
did not want to stop. He still wanted to. I still wanted to. Why end a good
thing?
But it’s time. I don’t know if
it’s that mother instinct. But I just know. I can tell it is time for my little
bird to jump out of the nest. He doesn’t need me like he once did. My little
independent son needs to spread his wings and fly and I don’t want to be the
one holding him back. I love him too much to do that.
Over the past week or so I came
to the realization that I was only nursing him for selfish reasons. I wanted my
baby and it was the only time during the day that I got my baby. But I have to
realize, Luca is no longer a baby in physical terms. Yes, I know, because I’m
his mom, Luca will always be “my baby”, but that doesn’t mean I am supposed to
treat him like one for the rest of his life. In every other aspect of his life
Luca is growing up. He is becoming his own little person, independent of me.
And that is ok. It’s normal. And I have to learn to accept it.
Over a year ago, my body was
his home. He could not live outside of me. He needed me to keep him safe until
he was strong enough to enter this world. And then he did. That was step one.
But he still needed my body in other ways. And this past year, my body has
given him the nourishment he needs to grow big and strong, but now he no longer
needs that. We are at step two. That tie that has held our bodies together
these past almost 2 years now is breaking. He is coming into his own and now
it’s time to watch him fly.
To some I may have nursed him
too long. To others I may not have nursed him long enough. But I know in my
heart, 13 months is right. It was perfect for us. Oh how I will always cherish
those 13
months in my heart. The best 13 months of my life. But who’s to say
the next 13 months won’t be as good. They will be. And I know it. Because our
bond will always remain strong. For I am the only person in this whole world
whom he will ever call “mommy”, and that my friends, is a beautiful thing.
